The Holidays...Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Ass
The Holidays, no hell, it was Christmas (Hanukkah for some, Boxing Day for others,) that came and went. Our friends at the Academy for Politically Correctness would like for us to forget that is the name given to December 25th. Corporate America wants to begin it in late September / early October and sell it off like a cheap whore the very day after. As much as I love spending time with family, friends and the people that we like, there are the select few that brings on the Christmas Tension like a bad case of Herpes in Blue Pool subdivision.
1) Stay kind and visit those that you really like. They may not make it to next year.
Between my wife and myself, we both lost grandparents this past year. We have some other friends and family that aren't doing too well or lost loved ones also. We would like to see everyone make it another year, but the simple fact is that some won't. So the time should be well spent and not solidifying our spots in the sick and dying's last will and testaments. C.P., you are a sonofabitch.
2) Learn to desensitize Corporate America and the greed of the almighty dollar.
I enjoyed not spending so much this year. I mean, I'm all for the kids getting their toys and learning to believe in Santa, or Shanta if your name is Pierce, but padding the pockets of the Big Box retailers doesn't get us much. Seriously, I just looked at the weekly ad online for Target, and they are comprised mostly of clearance and Christmas storage "solutions." I read it online, because our toilet paper of a newspaper went up in price. I guess someone over at the VDT realized that we will pay erroneous amounts of money to read something that is accepted as garbage before it is delivered every morning. When will it all end.
Now, don't get me wrong, we are enjoying the gifts that we received and buying at the retailers in our town keeps jobs for the locals. I'm talking high up on the corporate pecking order. It was good to see everyone start shopping at the after-Christmas sales. As a matter of fact, I suggested to my wife that as a fun gift-giving idea for next year, we should plan to have a family gathering after December 25th so that all the gifts purchased would be on clearance. The gifts would be serious ones and the object would be to see who could save the most money from the difference of regular price to sale price. The winner would get an additional gift labeled, "The Frugal Freddy Award." It would be fun and really hammer the CEO's of these companies a new one.
3) The Captain of all Ass-Rapes over the Christmas Holidays is...
Peppermint Bark. That's effing right, the wonderful blend of dark chocolate and white chocolate that appears to have candy cane remnants sprinkled on top. A complete ass-jab. For some reason that candy is the most expensive of all during the holiday season. Why you ask? Well, why I ask as well. It can be made in bulk at home much cheaper. Yeah, some think that shit is overrated. Plus, it is really a few simple ingredients. Not that special. The theory is to wait until after the holiday and catch it on sale. I bought a box at Target the day after Christmas and it was marked 50% off. Everything on the shelf was listed at that discount. We all know Target is not losing money on these clearance items. Hell, for that matter, we know they are not selling it at cost either. What they make their CEO's bonuses on is timeliness. They know you want it on Christmas day and the kids don't want to open their presents the day after. They have us. Money-hungry scoundrels. Who the hell knows, two years from now after the revolution rises up and takes back Christmas, I'll be writing about the senseless jackasses that raid the clearance shelves before we have a chance to pillage them ourselves.
4) The Busiest Store I went into was...
ABC liquors in Tallahassee. It is an adult candy store and let's face it, they stock the only things that can help us make it through these trying times, I mean, the wonderful winter bliss that is Christmas.
5) Funniest things said over Christmas
H. Staff, out.
1) Stay kind and visit those that you really like. They may not make it to next year.
Between my wife and myself, we both lost grandparents this past year. We have some other friends and family that aren't doing too well or lost loved ones also. We would like to see everyone make it another year, but the simple fact is that some won't. So the time should be well spent and not solidifying our spots in the sick and dying's last will and testaments. C.P., you are a sonofabitch.
2) Learn to desensitize Corporate America and the greed of the almighty dollar.
I enjoyed not spending so much this year. I mean, I'm all for the kids getting their toys and learning to believe in Santa, or Shanta if your name is Pierce, but padding the pockets of the Big Box retailers doesn't get us much. Seriously, I just looked at the weekly ad online for Target, and they are comprised mostly of clearance and Christmas storage "solutions." I read it online, because our toilet paper of a newspaper went up in price. I guess someone over at the VDT realized that we will pay erroneous amounts of money to read something that is accepted as garbage before it is delivered every morning. When will it all end.
Now, don't get me wrong, we are enjoying the gifts that we received and buying at the retailers in our town keeps jobs for the locals. I'm talking high up on the corporate pecking order. It was good to see everyone start shopping at the after-Christmas sales. As a matter of fact, I suggested to my wife that as a fun gift-giving idea for next year, we should plan to have a family gathering after December 25th so that all the gifts purchased would be on clearance. The gifts would be serious ones and the object would be to see who could save the most money from the difference of regular price to sale price. The winner would get an additional gift labeled, "The Frugal Freddy Award." It would be fun and really hammer the CEO's of these companies a new one.
3) The Captain of all Ass-Rapes over the Christmas Holidays is...
Peppermint Bark. That's effing right, the wonderful blend of dark chocolate and white chocolate that appears to have candy cane remnants sprinkled on top. A complete ass-jab. For some reason that candy is the most expensive of all during the holiday season. Why you ask? Well, why I ask as well. It can be made in bulk at home much cheaper. Yeah, some think that shit is overrated. Plus, it is really a few simple ingredients. Not that special. The theory is to wait until after the holiday and catch it on sale. I bought a box at Target the day after Christmas and it was marked 50% off. Everything on the shelf was listed at that discount. We all know Target is not losing money on these clearance items. Hell, for that matter, we know they are not selling it at cost either. What they make their CEO's bonuses on is timeliness. They know you want it on Christmas day and the kids don't want to open their presents the day after. They have us. Money-hungry scoundrels. Who the hell knows, two years from now after the revolution rises up and takes back Christmas, I'll be writing about the senseless jackasses that raid the clearance shelves before we have a chance to pillage them ourselves.
4) The Busiest Store I went into was...
ABC liquors in Tallahassee. It is an adult candy store and let's face it, they stock the only things that can help us make it through these trying times, I mean, the wonderful winter bliss that is Christmas.
5) Funniest things said over Christmas
- "No way that little bastard just got into that Mountaineer."
- "Smoke it up, you'll have an oxygen tank with a leopard skin cover soon saying, "I sure do hate that I smoked all these years, but damn I look good."
- "Why did I get this book, does it mean I'm an asshole?"
- "If you thought the dog messed up the comforter, I probably shouldn't tell you what I did."
H. Staff, out.
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