I really shouldn't bring this subject up again, but it was far too much to resist. I wrote a letter to the editor of our local newspaper during the height of the baseball steroid hearings, which was published. Censorship and good taste for that matter, made the article dry and lacking humor. I figure now would be a great time to insert the moisture and humor needed to make it newsworthy and effervescent in my eyes.
It shouldn't be a shocker to anyone by now that Roger Clemens' name appeared at these hearings and he was subsequently called to testify before a bunch of yahoos at Congress. I suppose the thing to do in response is to think back and laugh at all of those silly commercials depicting Clemens and his "rigorous" work out regiment. If his name were ever mentioned on ESPN, that same regiment was sure to be noted in the story somewhere. It was such a sexy act that the bromance between Clemens and Andy Pettitte drew a near media meltdown every time they were interviewed during each of their tenures with the New York Yankoffs. Pettitte even mimicked Clemens' signature stare down to the plate. Pettitte and Clemens were reunited in Houston where the pitching tandem was feared by the entire National League. Alright, it was pretty good, probably not feared.
Considering all the drama and hype associated with Clemens and Pettitte, one can only fathom the expletives that rolled out of Pettitte's mouth when Clemens' name came up during the Mitchell Report read to Congress on December 13, 2007.
If I had to make an educated, yet colorful guess, it would be along the lines of:
Laura Pettitte: "Andy, they are about to announce the names of the steroid users on TV."
Pettitte: (As he is jamming his hand into a barrel of rice), "Honey, please don't interrupt my concentration. Mahatma and myself are sharing a thought."
Laura Pettitte: "No way. They just named Roger as a doper, is that true?!"
Pettitte: "Damn it all sweetheart, you know someone is trying to extort money from Roger." (By now, he has walked to the TV and picked a pillow up from the couch and is holding it up to his face, staring at the TV.) "That fucktard better not be guilty. If he is, my name will be thrown in there. I'll have half of New York on my ass thinking I did too, and that is just not what Andy Pettitte is about. Not now, not ever."
Laura Pettitte: "Would you stop quoting that ridiculous Benchwarmers movie and come back to reality. What about the HGH you took?"
Pettitte: "Oh yeah. You better schedule a press conference so I can admit it before I get an asterisk next to my name."
Laura Pettitte: "You schedule it dicknose, you are the one that shot up."
Meanwhile, in the drunk tank of a small-town Tennessee jail, Mindy McCready opens one eye and smirks at the news. Being a public relations nightmare doesn't seem half as bad as it used to now. "What the hell, might as well compound things, just to put a little spice in the story," McCready thinks as she drifts back off to sleep singing "Guys Do it All the Time." We'll get to her later.
Only Roger Clemens knows if the allegations are true. So we think. His trainer, Brian McNamee seems to think that he did it and could stand to gain from the negative news. Considering he was the one that supplied Clemens and Pettitte the smack. Pettitte admits to using HGH, McNamee corroborates that story, then candidly tapes a few conversations with he and Clemens, then pulls a Benedict Arnold before Clemens had the time to process the whole thing and secure counsel. Securing a lawyer, then deny, deny, deny became the plan. Clemens sought the help of Rusty Hardin, an attorney from the Houston area that was well known for his charisma and smooth tongue with the justice system of Texas; the "We Hang 'em High," state. Maybe his charisma can be attributed to his younger days of playing Kris Kringle from Rankin Bass' "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Maybe.
The formidable Mr. Hardin
His younger days... Ok, maybe not
Now, back to McCready. I can't bear thought of dabbling in the notion of Roger Clemens doing his own dabbling of Mindy McCready while she was just 15. I all but believe it happened, I just don't want to think about it. McCready was a young and coming (Don't take that one too literal), country music star that until recently, had been out of the scene for some time. Probably due to lack of producing interesting music coupled with her love for seeking out places to be pulled over after drinking way too much. She probably could have timed the coming-out party a little better for Clemens' sake. I mean, way to kick a man while he is down Drunky.
Plus, having the new knowledge that Clemens' likes his young, brought a new memory to me of when I watched an episode of The Tonight Show that had Clemens and Hilary Duff on as guests. Duff being from the Houston area made it known to Roger that she went to school with his son Kody. Clemens' response, "I know." That was it. No one-liner, no come-on. Just "I know." Now, I have a bias to this one as well. Duff was a star on Disney's "Lizzie McGuire." I spotted her and knew that once Disney let go of her, she would be a star. Let the record show I did the same for Britney Spears and Ashley Tisdale. Also, she was around 15 at the time of that appearance. Clemens looked like a ogre next to her. If I figure correctly, McCready probably looked about the same next to him. I guess she saw Clemens as a father figure. Who knows.
Who has two thumbs and likes to bang minors?
On to what makes this a heart breaker for me. When I was young, I idolized Roger Clemens. Mostly because anyone with the nickname, "Rocket" had to be a bad ass. I grew up in a pretty rural neighborhood, there weren't a lot of children. I had to resort to having my gracious mother tape a strike zone on a block building so I could have something to throw to and they would send it back by means of ricochet. After many summers of doing this, I got pretty good at hitting that strike zone with velocity. I was not great, barely even good, but I got my chance to pitch my last year of little league and did fairly well. Like that Pettitte fellow, I mimicked the stance, the look down, and even the wind-up like Clemens. Well, the pitching thing gave way to middle infield since I took all those grounders from the effing block wall, I developed into a decent fielder.
So, what does all of that fluff have to do with Clemens? Honestly, he broke my heart as if I were a little girl. A 15 year-old girl that likes to sing in karaoke bars. It always hurts when an idol of yours gets caught snorting lines off of a hooker's ass or comes out of the closet. (In case you're curious, both of those references were to Doogie Howser, aka Neil Patrick Harris.) Where do I go from here? I don't play baseball anymore, I do still play guitar but my idol was tragically shot on stage 5 years ago. Axl Rose once wore a t-shirt that read "Kill Your Idols." Well, I don't have to, they are being killed off by others. I guess as we get older, we notice people are a little more transparent than they used to seem. In other words, you see through them for what they really are. I know HGH may seem harmless, but come on, last I checked insider trading was illegal, wasn't it Martha Stewart?
H.Staff
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