Charlie Foxtrotted: A Symposium on Check Out Lines

Take a good look at this picture

What do you see? That my friends is a nightmare to me. We all have to go through with it, and we all probably hate it. The dreaded check out lines at our neighborhood grocery stores, retail chains and, well, just about anywhere else you go where you pay for goods, contraceptives, alcohol and other useless products. I don't care which corporate executive you ask, they want their lines to look like the picture. The more congested the line, the more money is being hauled in. That is corporate America's view on the subject. Albeit, a viewpoint from half-wit execs that have hired personal shoppers to stand in those lines for them. I had a friend once that told me that he does most of his shopping online. Personally, I can't stomach those shipping and handling charges. Who the hell could?



I once broke down the mapping of a supermarket for a speech in college. I picked that subject because it is a great mind trick used by store designers and well, the professor wrote his dissertation on the structure of the furniture at McDonald's dining rooms. Weird, I know, but the subject got me a great grade.



Basically, stores are made into two or three "power aisles" that act like interstate highways to get across the store. There are usually two for the horizontal flow and sometimes a couple for the vertical. These aisles can sometimes be large enough for two to three carts to travel. That is all dependent on displays to make someone purposely trip and fall over an item so it grabs your attention. All the little ailses in the center of the store are veins to carry you through and display the bulk of the products. Wait, the awful brainwashers are not done yet. The stores are set up to guide you how to shop. Typically the deli and meat departments lead to the dairy departments and then to the produce. From produce, you will jump right into housewares sometimes and even a little health care. Dead center of the store are where the leeches and most normally, the foods that are the most unhealthy for us are kept. Supermarkets in specific are where I absolutely hate for this dreaded situation to happen. The Charlie Foxtrot.




The Charlie Foxtrot (The Cluster Fuck, for the people that haven't grasped that yet), is not a very complex machine. I give it comparison to the soccer riots in the UK, as not requiring much to clog up the works and sometimes, kill people. The Charlie Foxtrot, or CF for short, is very evident in these grocery stores around the times when the bulk of traffic comes in to make their weekly grocery picks. Around V-town, Sunday nights, Monday afternoons, and Saturday mid-mornings are the absolute worst times to venture into these shark infested waters.



Herein lies another problem. In V-town, you are shopper A, B, or C. They are the meat and potatos behind the CF. Without the combination of them, there would be no CFs.

• Shopper A goes to the grocery store because their wife is at home cooking and has forgotten an ingredient or two to complete dinner. They go to the first grocery store (This sometimes being Wal-Mart or Target), they will pass on their way home from work. A's generally don't care much about the appearance of the store, they want to run in and run out as quickly as possible because their manhoods are being tested and the fact that someone may see them carrying whipped cream, Chinese Five Spice powder, an egg seperator and a jar of Hershey's syrup and wrongly accuse them of having some deviant sexual fantasy with a mistress. Believe me, I've seen it too many times to count.

• Shopper B goes to the grocery store to make a social scene. They generally don't work and they have way too much time to kill so rather than be productive and wash clothes and clean up, they are out to pick up a bottle of wine and a few little things for a snack. These are mostly women and mothers to boot. The appearance of themselves and their children are of upmost concern. Primarily the children because the mothers will typically wear track suits and high-style loungewear to let everyone know that during the day, they really don't do shit. These are the people that the grocery stores are targeting with the impulse items because their minds are normally in la-la-ville and easily penetrated with tabloids, candy bars and Country/Coastal Living magazines. These horses asses combine to make up 85% of the total CFs.

• Shopper C goes to the grocery store because it is a necessity and they take this very serious. They have a coupon bank at home where they categorize and sometimes, alphabetize coupons to save every penny they can. They buy sale items and happen to know that if the price marked says buy one get one free, you can buy just one and get it at half price. Most of the time the store brand is good enough for these folks. Considering the flipping store brand is made in the same plants as the overpriced but attractive brands. My mother was a C and when I was younger, I would go to the grocery store with her and spend upwards of two hours in the store. I didn't care, I was out of the house and typically got whatever I put in the cart. The money that a Shopper C saves is typically in the hundreds of dollars per year. Amazing amounts of candy and toys can be purchased if you or your parents are Cs. These shoppers are in no way influenced by the gimmicky end cap and impulse buys. They are hard nosed and can be assured to take up unreasonable amounts of time in a line.

All of that summed up, the CFs get me all pissed off because I am not any of those. I'm a D. A hybrid between the person that shops as a necessity, but loves food. All of those years of what most would think would have been torture lead me to where I am now. I go to the grocery store because we have to eat. I can go to the grocery store everyday and find something different. I have a map of Publix in my mind and can tell another person how to get from Point A to Point B without even being in the store. I price shop a lot of the items and when there are no comparables, I might change what I need all together because I know I can find it cheaper elsewhere. I pay a little extra at times to keep from going to the large discount chains because they are normally packed with As, Bs and Cs all at once. I typically go to the Publix out of the way because I like the variety, the store's own brand is great and it is a clean store. The problem is, a lot of other people feel the same way. That creates CFs. I don't care for CFs and I don't like crowds of people either. They are both products of stupid people, being stupid. I know the ebb and flow of customers is a constant, but it seems like when I go to check out, so the hell does everyone else.


Then comes the anatomy of the check out line. Chances are, if the store is busy, and lets face it, it probably is, there will be many chances to get mad, angry, or even just people watch a bit. When the people start crowding into the line behind you they inch forward until they are just into your personal space. Only then is the beginning symptoms felt.

The Content of the Line

This guy is a little creepy to begin with. He doesn't have to say a damn thing to be that way either. He can't help but thumb over each magazine within the given aisle. You once watched him dump his coffee out and lick the top of the cup. He gets uncomfortably close while you are trying to swipe your debit or credit card. And you are pretty sure that smell that he carries is from drinking cheap after shave from the dollar store.








This cat could really walk around with the sign that reads, "I'm with Stoopid". He is the one that is in front of you and buys up to 30 cans of the cheapest dog food he could find. Rather than put one of each can on the belt, he feels the need to put each one up in a row so that when the cashier rings them up, he sighs a little. An obvious Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He should be on medication. He probably is but not from his doctor.














Behold, the nitwit that thinks he is cool and picks the line with the hottest cashier. He buys just a couple of things, some Axe deoderant and some Gatorade so that he can pass off working out at the local gym. He doesn't look freshly showered, nor is he cut like a typical work out buff. If you are behind him, his flirting is normally directed at the cashiers that are obviously underage. He is also the jackass that tries to accept the offer for 10% off if he signs up for the store's credit card. Only to have the card deny him. Once again, creating a lovely stall in line.







This manchild is the really lard ass that everyone knows does not need the motorized cart but is on one anyhow. If you are behind them, they try to do the entire coupon thing except for the fact that they really can't understand what the words"expires 1/31/2009" stands for. Sometimes they are accompanied by their ridiculous pets that she/he swears can tell if you have a heart condition, but in order to do so, they have to let them sniff your croch.

The Management End

Meet your cashier. This is Norma and if you are in at night. She will be quick to let you know that once the baby comes, her ass of a husband will let her quit. She is possibly the nicest lady at the store. Though her high school senior year was the last school she went to, she is fairly sharp and a great mother to her fourteen kids. She will not let you forget to donate to the charity that the store is supporting. She keeps the customers coming in because of her nice attitude.




This is Mark. He is pretty much a putz, but has been with the store since he was 16 and is an honorary manager. Mark likes to play practical jokes on others, but he can't take the jokes himself. He hates it when his coworkers walk by and kick his chair out from under him, but will be quick to return the favor and laugh his ass off.

When Mark is the cashier he will try to test the waters with every woman that walks by with a pulse. He likes to suggest wines for the women based upon what they have on the belt. Most of the time, the women already have their wine and the idiot has scanned and bagged it. Only the women that feel sorry for him even acknowledge his presence. His uncontrollable jabbering leads to the bulk of CFs. The picture above shows Mark in his most productive state.



This is one of the baggers Kevin. He works most weekends and nights because he is still in school. His goal is to get past Norma education wise. Good luck Kev, you keep putting the milk on top of the eggs and there is no way you could fail.
Kevin is nice and fairly polite. He is best known for not being around when the lines are thick with CFs and forcing the shoppers to bag the groceries themselves. And yes, he does play D&D...Still.

And here is your store manager Harmon. Harmon is an over-exhuberant peon that transferred from a store in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Although he thinks he is being hospitable, Harmon has no clue how things work in this store. He has a great idea or two, but once he implements them, he realizes they are busts. Harmon will show up on those Monday afternoons to run a register and is amazingly good at it. The problem is he will pick up items at talk about things like marinating red beans and rice in Drambuie. It really jams up the line and it is only tolerable in small doses. He has frequently been known to walk away talking to a customer he likes while leaving the line behind them. An obvious dick move to most, Harmon can't understand what the commotion is all about.

The Surefire Way to Correct A Charlie Foxtrot

That is right. Bears are our only defense against the dark arts of grocery supermarkets. Most stores are in approval because they want the custmers to feel rushed and therefore succumb to the endless impulse items. Customers will move faster than ever if there is a hungry bear in line waiting to attack the candy bars. Since guns aren't allowed in public places, bears are virtually out of harm's way. Plus, if they get pissed, skulls will crack. Say goodbye to nonsense in the grocery stores.

H.Staff

Note: Wal-Mart, Target and stores like Best Buy and Barnes & Noble are in current discussions of adopting a bear approval program based on lobbyists with bears in tow.