Octomom: A Severe Case of Whatthehellitis

I know I'd like to keep up with national and world news a little more than I do, but hey Travis the chimp was a work of art for me. Talk about timely and effing effervescent, that was a great example. Anyhow, we were celebrating the birthday of a friend of ours last night and she was commenting on this blog. Apparently, she is the only one that reads it, so I have to do her justice. She was curious as to why I had nothing on Nadya Sulman, aka Octomom. I had no answer for her other than, I can't believe I haven't wrote anything about her. I immediately started brainstorming. Because she has so many children, I am doing my blog today in a version similar to a sixth grade science fair. Here is my hypothesis, body and conclusion. That bitch is batshit crazy, and I think America likes it.

Hypothesis:

What the Deuce Was This Woman Thinking?

I don't believe for one moment that she didn't have an ulterior motive for taking that trip to the fertility clinic. More kids, more money paid by our government. Like cooking, let me reduce what I just said. She spits them out, she has six previously, we pay for them.

First off, I really haven't come to terms with how the fertility clinic was paid for. Did she use taxpayer funds to pay for that? Probably so. I haven't done the complete research, but I'm pretty sure our lawmakers are working on preventing that. At least that is what I remembered reading off an online news source.

Second, there is only a sperm donor for this young lady, so we are certain she wasn't just whoring herself out to get child support. She is pretty much fucked on that one. Then again, it is easier to get it from the taxpayers than some deadbeat dad, just google Travis Henry to see that one for yourselves.

I really don't think she planned on having eight kids anyhow. She already had six, remember. Truthfully, I'm glad that she got what she deserved. If you play with fire, you are bound to get burned once in a while. Or, in her case, if you play with sperm too much, you are bound to get lasting effects from the baby batter.

So, just to set this straight, she has 14 fucking offspring. Fourteen people. I'll tell you what she has in store for her. My grandfather had 12 brothers and sisters. They lived and worked on a farm, and that amount of children was not uncommon back when he was born. Quite a few of them are still alive today, as a matter of fact, in two weeks one of his brothers will celebrate his 95th birthday. The end product is that our family has so many members that I don't know half of them. I see them, and I know we are related, but I don't know them. When you are kin to half of the county you live in, your dates could sometimes be your relatives. I had to move out of the county, even out of the state, to find my wife. Even then, I'm scared to look to deep in the family trees. To sum up, I guess what I'm saying is that some of these kids could have large families one day, and end up diddling one another to get there.

Visual Aids

Prebirthing State

This poor woman. Yeah right, I heard someone comment that her belly was so large while she was carrying these children that all the veins and arteries were clearly visible. It reminded someone of another planet. Just gross, but...

The Birth of All Eight

At what point do we stop referring to these babies as kids, and well, more or less a litter? And why the hell is her obstetrician not referred to as "Dr. Octopus", or "Doc Oc?" That would bring a sense of hilarity to this whole situation. If not that by baby number four, the rest could just waltz out of the birth canal. I mean really, if she were to get preggers again, she could just be walking along and "Oops, my child just fell out." To quote Stewie from Family Guy, "Do you even feel it anymore, or is it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?"

I can see where you'd get confused, but the eight kids came from her vagina, not her back.

On top of that, the assisted care that Nadya is receiving from nonprofit group, Angels in Waiting is asking for donations to help fund the near $35,000 per month it is costing them to service Nadya. I have heard those that sympathize and those that condemn her situation say that would rather donate to Barnum & Bailey's Three Ring Circus than fund her own circus. I'm sorry for the organization because it is a legitimate service provider. The way I see it, only the fertility clinic assisted in implanting the eggs in Nadya's womb. I don't really think someone should be hired to take care of what came (Or ran) out of her vagina.

Those Effing Lips

Maybe not what you intended, but you now give the appearance of someone that could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch. In a tribute to Angelina Jolie, Ms. Sulman consulted with a plastic surgeon, or a really good supplier on the streets, to get Botox injections for her lips. Now I can see her admiring Jolie, but I don't think that imitation was the best form of flattery in this case. For fucks sake, she looks like Bobby Brown was courting her. It only leads to you being the butt of silly jokes, like the Halloween costume below.

...Or if you decide to sell your birthing tape to the highest bidder, you will have a made for tv mockery.





The Problem

The problem is that Octomom hasn't performed her last hurrah. The Duggar family (below), of the reality sitcom, "17 Kids and Counting," has a total of 18 children. The 18th child was born this season. The catch: They are a wholesome family, with great Christian virtues and they had the family THE CORRECT WAY. That woman is amazing to have the strength to bear and raise 18 children. I suppose I wouldn't know them if they didn't have their own reality show, but that is because they are legitimate. Other than normal family drama, they are well, normal. They don't have an effing three ring circus attached to them. That circus is exactly what the media wants to see.

Yeah, not a clown car; I don't believe she got that memo.

Conclusion


That bat is bitchshit crazy. It sounds like a complete attempt at capitalizing on the good taxpayers of America. Her entire situation brings great memories of the motion picture, "Don't be a Menace to South Central, While Drinking Your Juice in Da' Hood." When the lovely Dashiki meets Ashtray, she asks all nine of her kids, "What do you say when you meet a nice man?" The kids reply with, "Are you my daddy?" Hilarious, and bound to happen with this woman.

H. Staff