Somali Pirates Throw First Rimjob at U.S. Ship in 200 Years

Pirates!!!

Somali pirates used a small skiff boat to board the Maersk Alabama cargo ship off the coast of the Horn of Africa on Wednesday morning. In what has been a current rash of hijacking among the Somali pirates, the incident marked the first ship from the United States to be seized by pirates in over 200 years. I would effing imagine that the previous pirates didn't have guns and highly innovative GPS navigational systems to track their prey. Anyhow, as of today, these pirates have left the cargo ship and taken the Alabama's lifeboat along with the captain, Richard Phillips. Captain Phillips has been reported to have given himself and the lifeboat up to save his crew.

A grand total of four of these pirates braved the shark infested waters of the mouth of the Red Sea in the Gulf of Aden to take control over the ship. The Alabama was traveling upwards of 350 miles off of the coast of Somalia, an area of the sea where pirates have not frequented in the past. The ship was on its way to the port city of Mombasa, Kenya with a shipment of food, which was to relieve areas of Kenya and Somalia when the hijackers attacked the boat. A first attempt at boarding the ship was thwarted with the use of water hoses and vulgar obscenities. On the second attempt, the pirates brought the heat and used their AK47 assault rifles to persuade the crew to let them aboard.

This is, of course, after the ship's crew of 18-20 men managed to take one of the pirates hostage and for some reason, resist to beating him to a bloody pulp. I feel that if the crew had watched the movie, "Black Hawk Down," things would have been a little different.

As of Thursday, the U.S. Navy had reported to the scene with the USS Bainbridge, a naval destroyer. The FBI was also in constant contact offering up advice and consultation on the hostage negotiations for Capt. Phillips' release. Meanwhile, the Alabama has been instructed to continue on course to Mombasa as originally scheduled. We can all hope this situation will be resolved as soon as possible. Now...

The Real Story

Ok, I hope you people are ready for this. Lex and Terry, of the syndicated morning radio program from Dallas, Texas, suggested this theory. It is a fucking movie. Described as nothing more than a tossed script from a Steven Seagal pitch. My contribution is that it isn't not starring Steven Seagal because no ass has been kicked yet. So, who is the leading male? Joaquin Phoenix. Running parallel to his media bit about him being a hip-hop artist, he makes the perfect Captain Phillips. His current, infamous look screams despair and is reminiscent of Tom Hanks in Cast Away. The only catch would be that not a soul would look for his rose-colored glasses and pompous ass. I guess the central theme would be that he is washed up. Wocka, Wocka, Wocka.

These FBI and Navy negotiators are all washed up compared to the real hero on the way to save Joaquin's hip ass. John Cena proved his worth in the movie, "The Marine." At least I guess he did, I really didn't watch that movie. The hip-hop personalities just compliment each other.

We all know that they will put a disclaimer at the beginning of the film that says, "Based on Actual Events," or "Based on a True Story." Writers always do that to inflate the coolness of the different situations. This one however, does not need one. The awesomeness runeth over.

Let me back up. It almost runeth over. I think that these Somali pirates should be a little more fierce and that their demise shouldn't be as diplomatic. Just like our radio personality Terry suggested, cut them up and use them for chum for sharks. You know, end the movie with Cena and Joaquin fishing off the deck of the boat catching Great White Sharks as the Coast Guard and Navy make it to the rescue.


I mean, look at this guy...

The little Somali kid in the bottom corner finds him attractive, but highly dangerous.


Bwd, Bwd,Bwd, That's All Fuckers!