Oh Brother, Where Do I Start?

This post should have been up a while back. Call me lazy.
It has been a while since I posted anything with true substance and newsworthiness. Not that any of what you are about to read is. But hey, it is Friday; have a coke, a smile, and shut the fuck up.


We have gone through total drama in this ridiculous country for a while. The things that grab our attention really amaze me sometimes. We can tune in for a midnight (EST at least) burial of a plastic surgeon's wet dream. Yet for some odd reason, we can't seem to find a child for 18 effing years that lives in a tent in some asshole's backyard. Good grief.


Michael Jackson's Burial
You have got to be kidding me. I thought when they had a public funeral for the King of Pop at the Staples Center in L.A., that was it, he was buried. Wrong. Apparently, they have been keeping his body, somewhere, since he died on July 25th. Holy shit; nearly two months ago? Now, as tradition in the south holds, the wake, in the black community is typically longer than that of a white, or Jewish person. Rumor has it, (I'm not black), that their wake was longer so that they could raise money for the burial. Is it true? Sometimes, I'm sure, but not always. Remember, we here at the Purveyor really do not work on basis of color. We have so many more reasons to not like you other than what color you are.

Not trying to be cynical either, but one reporter was describing that Randy Jackson, not the American idol one, was to give the eulogy on behalf of all of his siblings. The reporter, who was not really that talented mind you, tried to point out that Randy was the one in the sunglasses and red tie. If you pay attention to the picture, we appreciate it Captain Obvious, but really, which one? Asswhole.

Hey! You On The Far Left; Where the Hell is Your Tie and Glasses?

There is the casket. The reason I was describing the wake, was because I doubt they had one here. Twenty-four carat gold bitches. Probably plated. Once again, another rumor is that he wanted to be buried face down, with his chimp Bubbles in the vault below him. That was horrible. Shouldn't have taken it quite that far...Wait...What the hell ever happened to that chimp? Why didn't he give the eulogy?

I'm Rich Bitch!!

Oh brother, then there was this. Honestly, who the eff set this up? Macauley Caulkin and Mila Kunis. Beyond both being completly American and having names that sound like their parents were outsourced AT&T customer service reps, they are an item??? Seriously? This is happening? Holy shit. I mean; shit, after she won me over with her sex scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, this just puts me over the edge. Caulkin has always been a goof, but Kunis, I've teetered on the fence with her ever since That 70's Show. Maybe it was her playing Meg Griffin that just didn't match her sexuality. Both of them are now Reh-tards.

 

Honestly, Is This REALLY Effing Happening?

Above all, I think the saddest thing, is that if Humpty from the Digital Underground died, I don't think that he would be martyred in the same way. You want to talk about sad. I got your back Humpty.

Yeah, This Nose.

Phillip Garrido: Seriously. What The Eff???

This amazing human being stands accused of kidnapping and harbouring a young lady for 18 years in his back yard. That is correct, in his back-freaking-yard. She was living in a tent. In that tent Garrido fathered two of her children. Eww. This hole keeps getting deeper. Garrido's probation officer alerted FBI of his suspicious actions last week and the young girl, Jaycee Dugard, and she later waltzed into the FBI's office in San Francisco. Or something like that. This isn't a serious news outlet, so my facts may not jive with what actually happened.

All I really know, is we are dealing with one sick fuck. He had been accused of raping a 14-year old girl back in 1972. Hell, during that time, men could do no wrong. Women just gained suffrage. Right. What retards allowed him to weasel out of those chains?

The following lines came directly off of CNN.com

"I understand that a few years ago, one of the neighbors called in and said that there were girls being kept in the backyard. ... She said that there were a number of girls that came and went, but that there was a core group of five," Murch said.

In Dublin, California, police were looking into whether Garrido was connected to the 1989 disappearance of Ilene Misheloff who was 13 when she was abducted, investigators said.
Garrido was convicted of kidnapping and raping Katie Callaway Hall in 1976. He was released after serving 10 years of a 50-year sentence. He was labeled a sex offender and put on lifetime parole.

At what point do you, and by you, I mean, law enforcement, find the sense to never let idiots like that out of our country's penal system. Castration and eventual slaughter. Wait. I had beef on my mind for some reason. And I just finished lunch. I think we can sum this up by saying Garrido was an asshole. End of story. Fry his ass.

Kanye West: Did Johnny Knoxville Put You Up To This?

Then, there was this new brand of awesome, which I strangely found a little attractive. Heather Graham, playing the mommy in the Hangover. I think she played the part well.

So I got a little off track. Who cares. Go Sox!